Sunday, September 27, 2009

M.


Every Saturday she comes to the window and waves to me: I wave back. Our blocks aren’t that close. We arrange a special time to do this. We’ve been doing it for weeks. I am sort of in love with her, but then not quite. I don’t really know her that well, though there is that comfort you instinctively feel with some people. She is a doctor. She is taller than me and has dark brown hair which is cut short at the shoulder. She is chic: she has a beautiful black cashmere coat with a fur collar. I have seen her shoulder which is very white and coldly perfect. She laughs at my jokes. Sometimes after English classes we go for a glass of beer in a big old sad restaurant. We then go to her bus stop but she doesn’t want me to wait with her. She flirts but she never touches me. I don’t get it. I do not think she knows about the girl I live with but, thinking back, she must have guessed.

The girl I live with doesn’t speak to me though we are supposed to be lovers. I mean, we used to be lovers but the loving stopped so now we just live like shadows sharing the same apartment. I don’t know what’s going on there either: I think we are both ashamed of the fact that we no longer love or even like each other but neither has the guts to face up to it. I suspect she despises me: I no longer surprise her and everything I say is banal or conceited and her dog is suspicious of me though I take it for long walks. I think she blames me for getting mugged and losing her camera. I borrowed her camera one day and lose it to two muggers on the grassy patch only 100 yards from the block. One of them held a knife to my throat: he said “Dają kamerę”: the ground was icy and I slipped and fell to the ground and the dog barked uselessly as they took the camera. She says, “You think you know everything but you don’t.” It’s spring but there is snow outside. It thawed in March but then it snowed again in April. I put the money from my teaching job in a suitcase which was stored in a built in wardrobe in a corridor of the flat. I feel as if I’m drowning. Eventually I save up enough money to buy a flight to Washington.

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